I’m a workin’ woman now!!!

Hello everyone!  How are you?!  Oh, really?  Thats nice!  And I’m just dandy, thank you.

So you may be wondering…  Hey Amanda!  What have you been up to lately??  You’ve been ignoring your blog!

Well yes, I have been ignoring my blog.  That’s because I got infected with a huge dose of laziness and writers block in which there is no antidote.  Thank God I don’t write for a living because otherwise I’d be without a laptop to stalk my facebook friends.

Anyway, I got a real job.  So now I’m like a “real” adult.  Pshh…  whatever.  Who cares.

So other than working, and being a boring grown up I have done some fun things.  For example I just had a really exciting vacation.  Let me tell you about that  vacation.

One day in March I was sitting on the couch and said to Nelson, “Hey Babe, lets go on vacation to Florida.”  He responded by continuing to sleep (that is an automatic yes, as we agreed too several years ago when he was sleeping).  So I decided that we should try the Bed & Breakfast route.  My parents have enjoyed Bed & Breakfasts in the past and the people who are “Bed & Breakfast people” seem to love it.  (Yes, by the way, I totally am an old lady)

After weeks of researching prices and ratings I booked a Bed & Breakfast in Key West for 4 nights and in Miami for 3 nights.   So after X-ing off days on the calender for 2 months Nelson and I were finally on the last day before vacation.  Our flight was at 6am the next morning so naturally we started packing at 3pm.  Oh wait, I mean, I started packing at 3pm.  I’m pretty sure Nelson didn’t start packing until 6pm that being 12 hours before our flight.  I’m pretty sure that this is a normal thing, everyone is always like “OMG I have to start packing I’m going on vacation in like 3 days!!”

Yeahhhh right, that is total BS.  I know that you wont start packing until 12 hours before your flight so don’t be an ass about it.  Just be cool and wait till your at the airport to buy deodorant, like me.

The plan (as far as Nelson and I knew) was to pack our stuff, go to my Mom’s and have dinner, then stay there over night so they can drive us to the airport.  It’s now about 830pm and we call my Mom to tell her we are on the way to her house.  We call her and find out that she was out with my sister for Sushi.  SOOOOOO there goes our dinner plans.  Thanks Mom, by the way, we were starving.

We ended up going to my Mother-in-laws for dinner.

Do you honestly think that I would cook for myself at that hour!?  PAH-LEASE.

Every time we go to Nelson’s parent’s house we always stay about an hour or longer than we planned.  Actually, let me rephrase that.

Every time Nelson and I go ANYWHERE we always stay AT LEAST an hour longer than planned.

Needless to say, by the time we got back to my parent’s house, so we can go to sleep, it was after midnight.  My sister and her fiance stayed at her fiance’s parents house so I could sleep in her room.  I would sleep in my old room but as soon as I moved out of my parent’s house they had me evacuate all of my belongings so they could turn my room into a TV room.

Just as a side note, I’ve always heard people joke about their parents doing that but I always thought, “Nooo, not my parents.  My parents are going to preserve my room as I left it and turn it into a sanctuary were they will come to cry when they miss me because I live 30 minutes away.” Yeah right, my parents proved me wrong and made my inner ego look like a a person dressed in bright red at a funeral.  Sighhh….  anyway, back to the story…

As you all should know already, I have 2 labs.  Two very spoiled labs who have become accustomed to sleeping with my husband and I on our king sized bed.  WHICH is fine with me because my Husband likes to make the house feel like we live in the arctic.  Where as I will leave a sweater on until it is greater than 84 degrees outside.

My Sister does not have a king sized bed, she has a double-sized bed which to all you men out there means it is smaller.  So, we all didn’t fit on the bed and the dogs did not understand that.  Nelson and I got about an hour of sleep that night.  Our dogs slept like big furry angels… bitches.

At 430am, my parent’s, Nelson, and I are finally in the car on the way to the airport.  We got to the gate at about 515am which is pretty good for Newark.  So far, so good.  The flight from Newark to Miami was good, not to many bumps, watched a boring show that’s about broadway, and coincidentally sat next to someone who is in the same profession and field as I am.

Once we got into Miami airport we went straight to the car rental station where Nelson made sure the guy wrote down every single little scratch that was on the car.  Then we were off!!  And guess what was the first thing I did!?  I turned on the radio and started singing my ass off.  Nelson loves that.  Kind of.

While we were in the car with my parents on the way to Newark my Mom had asked, “Amie, you made sure to pack your camera right??”  I looked at Nelson with an “Oh Shiza” face and he responded about a minute later saying, “Yeah!  No worries” which was a total lie because the only functioning camera we have is the camera on our cell phones.  Which Nelson later explained to me at the airport that he did not lie because they call the cell phone camera a camera because it is a camera.  Get it?

Anyway, we stopped on the way to Key West at a Best Buy and bought a camera from a guy who did not believe that we were from New Jersey.   I took that as a compliment.  Later on, we got to Key West and the place we booked turned out to be like an apartment and it was gorgeous within walking distance from the beach.  We had an amazing time in Key West.  I have come to realize there are 2 types of people in Key West, gays and hippies.  My husband always calls me a hippy and he said that is the reason I fit in so well.  He fit in well too and since he refuses to call himself a hippy that leaves him to be… a good tourist.  OBVIOUSLY HE IS NOT GAY GUYS.  I don’t look that manly unless I stop shaving for 2 days or more.  Ok, ok, 1 day.  God!  You guys are ruthless.

Nelson and I loved Key West and planned to go back some time in the future.  At the end of our stay we literally left pouting.  We drove into Miami and it definitely disappointed us.  I guess from all the fun and excitement in Key West, the bar was set pretty high for Miami. We pulled up to our Bed & Breakfast in Miami and it was about 6 blocks away from the beach.  That doesn’t sound too far but it was literally worlds away.  The whole atmosphere changes within a couple steps.

So we walk into the B&B and the owner is very nice she gave us the keys to our room and told us our room is upstairs.  We walk upstairs and the hallway upstairs is probably big enough for me to lay down with one dog that’s about it.  In that small hallway there were 4 doors.  Room 8, 9, 10, and another door without a number.  We walk into our room and the room is so small that we can barely fit both our suitcases in it at the same time.  Once we finally got both our suitcases in the room and we finally took a moment to look around Nelson asked a question that literally rang in the air for about 10 minutes before I could even breathe.

“Where is the bathroom?”

…

…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my head there was a little version of me running in a circle screaming “WHERE IS THE BATHROOM!!!!????”

Finally, I grabbed a hold of my self and I said, “It must be detached, I’ll go check.”  I went outside the room back into the hallway and opened the unnumbered door.  It was a bathroom and there was a sign in it saying that the bathroom was reserved for rooms 8 & 9.  I went back into the room and told Nelson about the bathroom situation.  He was less than pleased.  We didn’t think there was anyone in the other room so we decided to make the best of the situation and went for a walk around town. While walking around town we decided that we really didn’t like Miami.  In fact that only thing we really liked was Espanola way.  We had dinner there, food was good, and the waiter who was from Chicago told us he’d like to come back with us to Jersey rather than stay in South Beach.

When we got back to the B&B we had noticed that we were sharing a bathroom when my husband realized the soap was now all hairy.  That’s when Nelson and I decided we needed to stay some place else.  I spent the entire night looking for another hotel with no luck.  So we were going to stick it out.  The next morning, Nelson went to the bathroom and came back 15 minutes later.  The first thing he said when we came into the room was, “We are leaving, today.”

I was opening my mouth so I could ask why when Nelson said, “I just had to clear the F***ing toilet of some A**hole’s S***!”

I have a really sick personality and because of that I immediately started laughing.  The thought of Nelson walking into a bathroom with a clogged toilet was funny because of the reaction that I imagined him having.  I could just seem him walking in there ready to do the dirty work and seeing the toilet then cursing his head off in whispers afraid that the other people might hear him.

We decided to cut our vacation short and re-booked our flight back to EWR for later on that day.  We both packed our stuff and then went to the bathroom to quickly brush our teeth.  When we were walking out of the bathroom we noticed that the guy we were sharing the bathroom with was looking out of his room with the door cracked open and the lights off.  So naturally we both glared into the crack of the door and made a face at him.  Nelson made a face that said, “I hate you” and I made of face that said “HAHAHAHA  WTF are you doing you creepy person??”  then we left.

Our flight was scheduled for 150pm and it was about 10am when we got to the airport.  It was POURING rain outside.  I’m pretty nervous about flying to begin with but seeing all this rain, and seeing the rain in NYC on TV as well, did not make me feel good about this flight.  Suddenly we noticed our flight was being delayed about a 30mins which isn’t too bad.

We got onto the plane about 230pm.  Now I want you to remember that, because it is important.

It was about 3pm and we finally take off.  Then at about 320pm we hear over the intercom “ALL MEDICAL PERSONNEL PLEASE PROCEED TO THE BACK OF THE AIRCRAFT”.

Now I’m thinking, “Oh crap, whats going on now!?”  Those of you that know me personally know that I am a medical personnel….  You may be wondering, “Well Amanda, did you go to the back of the aircraft?!”

HELL. NO. I. DID. NOT.

Do you know how much turbulence we were having!?!?!?!?  If I went to the back of the aircraft I would need medical attention as well!!  Besides there were two paramedics and a physician on board.  I’m pretty sure they will do just fine without me.

Now it’s 330pm and we are told that we are going to have to make an emergency landing, where?  That’s a good friggen question because nobody has a clue.  So instead of staying at a higher altitude we are flying through rain clouds and the plane was shaking so much I was having seriously bad anxiety.  Everyone on the plane is fine, chillin, just going with the speed bumps of the gods, while I am having a nervous breakdown and making faces like I’m giving birth to a 10 pound baby.

Finally after 20 more minutes of unnecessary torture the pilot says we are landing in Jacksonville, Florida because we have a patient with respiratory issues on board.  I wanted to cry.  Wait, no that’s right, I did cry, like a kid that had his little red wagon stolen.  The guy   sitting next to us was a big and tall type guy and he must have daughters because he seemed totally at home with my freak out.  He just sat back turned on his iPod and relaxed to the sound of my frantic praying of the rosary.

We landed in Jacksonville airport which looks like an airport for crop dusters and were told to remain seated because we would be taking off again in 20 minutes.  We heard that every 20 minutes for the next 3 1/2 hours.  Before we took off again Nelson turned on my TV, which is $7.99 by the way, and So You Think You Can Dance was on.  I watched that show, prayed the rosary like an old lady, and refused to look out the window for the rest of the flight and I made it home in one piece.

Once I got of the airplane I threw my body onto the ground and started kissing the floor.  Figuratively, of course.  Newark is a dirty airport. I would never even kiss my child’s face if it touched the floor at Newark airport, unless it was wiped with an alcohol pad.

The ending of the story is we finally got to Newark at 10pm.  So I was sitting on a plane without moving from 230pm to 10pm.  Thats it the end.  I’m tired of writing and your tired of reading.  Until next time, PEACE.

By the way…. you may be wondering what happened with that guy that we made the emergency landing for. Turns out the guy was piss drunk and blacked out on the plane. Thats one way to get through your fear of flying. I bet he didn’t even notice the turbulance or the fact that we could have free falled into the field of dreams. I must try that next time, just more discreetly….

Martha ain’t got nothin’ on me!!!!

I’ve decided that I want to become more crafty and less lazy.  SO!  I have been on a crafting crazeeee…..

First of all I spent about 2 days looking up crafting ideas on the computer that made me think, “Pshh.. I could do that”  I looked at MarthaStewart.com, Pinterest, and DIY blogs until I found what I thought would be easy for me to do.

Just as a side note.  I don’t normally craft or anything, like ever.  I think the last time I used a hot glue gun my mom wanted to kill me and the dog couldn’t lift it’s tail.

Because it is fall now, I wanted to make something seasonal.  So I made pumpkin pillows..  Here they are

Ohh so cute!!  I know I’ve got the skills!  Just kidding I didn’t make that.  But that was my inspiration.

I made this…  Thank you Thank you…  This was not as easy as it looks.

First, you have to buy fabric.  Sure why not!?!  Sounds easy enough.  So I went to Joann’s Fabrics.  After helping an old lady who was battling a shopping cart in between the entrance doors, I started to look at the fabric.  Looking in only the “Cheap As Hell” fabric section, I picked all the fabrics I thought were nice and walk to the back of the store to get the fabric cut.  I carried about 6 ginormous clumps of fabric to the table and on my way I dropped one fabric clump and accidently stepped on it. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw these already pre-cut squares of fabric.  I immediately left the counter talking to myself about how I should’ve looked around the store first and violently put away the big bulks of fabric.  Once that was done, the same old lady hit me with her cart because she was looking behind her and walking foward, and I went to go check out the little fabric squares.  Turns out these little convenient fabrics are for quilts.  I picked about 10 that I thought were cute and then I was on to look for scissors (no, I had no scissor in my house prior to this, we just used a knife or Nelson’s teeth), stuffing, green yarn, and a plastic needle.  Yes, I said plastic.  No, it’s not because I’m that uncoordinated.  I’ll explain the reason for the plastic needle later.  I brought all of my new crafting materials to the counter and the SAME old lady was there buying safety pins, clothes pins, and blue thread.  The entire time she was there she was complaining about how the prices have gone up from when she was a little girl 150 years ago.  Then after she finally gathered her items and started to walk away she stopped and asked the cashier to help her look at the flowers outside that she did not want to buy today.  The cashier politely declined and the little old lady walked out of the store with her shopping cart for her pins and thread cursing in an unknown language.

After I checked out and got my healthy number 2 meal at McDonalds, I got home and immediately prepared my crafting space.  In other words, I removed the table cloth from the kitchen table.  I made myself a latte put it on the table and went to the bathroom.  I came back from the bathroom and my latte was gone and my brown dog was running in the living room at full speed.  I finally got Castanha to go outside, so she could run her brains out and hopefully puke my latte so she learns her lesson, by throwing a ball out the back door.

Once I made my second latte, I sat down and got to work, by staring at what I bought and thinking, “What the hell did I get myself into”.  I pulled up the instructions on the computer and started sewing my fabrics.  Every once in a awhile, in my quiet house, you would hear a profanity shouted out because the needle (non-plastic) would prick my left index finger.  I stuffed my pumpkins, then sewed the top of my pumpkin.  Then I used my plastic needle to stick the green yarn through the pumpkin and continued to wrap it around that way.  If I did not use a plastic needle I would not be able to type this post because I would still be bleeding, even though I did this yesterday.

My next project was a scary fumpkin ghost guy.  A fumpkin is a fake pumpkin.  I’m not spelling it wrong.  ANYWAY, my lovely reader…  I decided I wanted to make something scary that I could put outside so the children don’t want to come to my house.  I went to Michael’s and bought a fumpkin, black and green cheesecloth, and a strobe light.

You know these crafting ideas are cool but no one tells you, “Hey cutting into a fumpkin is messy and kinda hard!” No, they say things like, “This is a wonderful craft to do with your children, it’s a lot of fun!!”  Let me tell you, if I had a child they would be bleeding from cutting the fumpkin.  And they would be dirty, which means I would have to hose them down on this cold day.  I don’t think I would ever cut a fumpkin again.

Here is a picture of my scarechildren ghost man.

I have to take a picture of the scary ghost fumpkin at night.  He is supposed to have a glowing head, we’ll se how that works out…

And that’s all for my crafting thus far.  I will keep you posted on my new crafting adventures that are coming up in the future.  If you want to learn how to make the pumpkin pillows here is the link..   http://thompsonfamily.typepad.com/thompson_familylife/2009/11/fabric-pumpkin-tutorial.html

I can’t control my face.

Nooo…  don’t worry I didn’t have a stroke and I don’t suffer from muscle spams.  I have a facial problem though…  I’ve been told this time and time again.  Looking through my wedding album, baby pictures, and from what family/friends say, I do not need to say anything to let anyone know what I’m thinking.  This is cute as a kid, but as an adult it gets me into trouble… well, maybe not trouble, but it makes me socially awkward.

For example, if you are talking to me about how your cat just got diagnosed with terminal cancer and you are considering treatment, and I see someone behind you picking up a piece of food that they dropped in the floor and then placing that dirty bacteria filled watermelon into their mouth I’m going to make a face like, “WTF?! YOU ARE GROSS!!”.   No, it’s not because you are suffering in a pool of sorrow but it is because that weird ass guy walking behind you just gave himself herpes in front of me and I have a serious case of easily-distractionism.  I can’t say ADD because the last time I made a joke about that someone attacked me and then stole my lunch when they saw I had a snack pack.

You may be thinking, Amanda, sweet dear, what made you think of this topic?

Well, if you must know it was this picture…

Ok yes, that is Lady Gaga at the Giants game.  But Lady Gaga is not the “star” of this photo.

Lets look again, shall we??   This man must be a distant cousin because I seriously just made that exact face at someone who was unfortunately wearing yoga pants and granny panties yesterday.  I’m not mean.  I get it.  Yoga pants are comfortable especially when you have your period or if you’re constipated… but really, do yourself and everyone else a favor, wear them at home or the gym only.  PLEASE.  THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA ARE BEGGING YOU (well at least I am and therefore so is my husband as well, things don’t go well for him if I am upset)  Thanks…

Yawning… Sometimes a false alarm

Oh insomnia.  Something that I’m sure you are all familiar with. Ever since I’ve been in housewife mode I’ve been having trouble falling asleep.  Thanks a lot crappy job market.  There are a million different things on the Internet that you can find as a home remedy so I’ve tried some.  Naturally, since it’s my goal in life to be portrayed like a flower child I did what most flower children would do, I went to whole foods and bought ridiculously over priced organic fair trade tea.  It tasted like the leaves were pulled from a horses ass but I drank it anyway.  Did I sleep?  No.  It’s caffeinated.  So what’s next on the list?  Sex.  Oh don’t be so dramatic!!  We’re all adults here!!! …I hope.

Uhh… Anyway, My husband is that kind of guy that falls a sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.  He’s also that kind of guy that eats his food and 15 mins later it’s out of his system, lucky jerk.  So it’s about 3am and he’s been a sleep for about 4 hrs.  I try to wake him and he immediately responds to me in Portuguese (Nelson only ever dreams in Portuguese unless it’s a dream where he is mad).

PS.   Nelson is a huge sleep talker.  He talks in his sleep almost every night.  Not only is it annoying but sometimes he scares the crap out of me.  One time I was writing a paper for school (last minute of course) and he was sleeping in the recliner across the room.  He jumps out of the recliner like a cheetah on steroids and yells, “YOU WANT TO KEEP BREAKING SH*T?!??!”  I was sitting Indian style on the couch before his episode by the time he was done I was on the other side of the apartment pressed up against the wall squeezing all the sphincters in my body to prevent any messes on the floor.  Of course after he did that he just laid back down like it was no big deal and immediately started snoring.

Back to the original story… So when he speaks to me he is telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and all these nice things and finishes off his romantic sleep talking Portuguese speech by saying, “love ya mom”

Are you f-ing kidding me?  We are so not having sex tonight because all that sexiness I just prepped my brain for so we can get it on and I could fall asleep, totally just got flushed down the toilet.  And not just the regular toilet, it was the kind of toilet that they use in airplanes.

Next I found yoga moves that help you fall asleep.  Do you know how hard it is to do yoga while looking at your iPod to make sure your doing it correctly and see the next move all while your in bed and under the covers?  It’s not relaxing in anyway, so I decided I’ll do my own versions of yoga while in bed.  My husband wakes up and notices me moving around in the bed doing the breathing exercises.  I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you what he was thinking. But don’t worry people, nothing happened.  I had my period that night.  Needless to say, yoga didn’t work.  It kinda tired me out but it was more frustrating than anything else.

Then I read that daily exercise will help you sleep better at night.  Yeahhh… I’ll try that… Sometime…

Finally, I found a solution.  I tricked my own brain.  Are you ready for this???   I forced myself to dream.  As I was laying in bed the other night listening to my husband mumble and watching my one dog run sideways on the floor, I thought to myself,  ”WTF. I want to be imagining running through a field with endless snacks too!!”   So I just started my own dream in my head.  It was about me winning the lottery and buying all the Dunkin Donuts in New Jersey.  The only bad thing about this is I woke up the next morning with some crazy ass dream memories of purple ducks, balloons, and bubble gum.  But who cares!  The point is that I made myself sleep and broke my insomnia!  I hope this helps any of you with the same problem.

If you guys have any more suggestions let me know.  I probably won’t try them though.  I’m just being honest.

September… so far.

Ok so unlike most people my husband and I decided to take our vacation after labor day.  So we went down to Myrtle Beach the weekend of labor day.  We drove.  12 hours.

Just as a side note I would like to mention how awesome my husband is because he hasn’t thrown me out of the car on road trips.  When I first started dating my husband, I chose him because he has good genes, is good looking, and I just needed to lock down on someone to mate with that wouldn’t give me children that would make me embarrassed to leave the house with.  But as an added bonus I actually ended up loving my little hubby man and he loves me too and this past road trip proved it.

You know that person that makes you crazy in the car because they sing every song that comes on the radio even if they don’t know the words.  I am that person.  Not only do I sing but I also do the robot, even if I’m the one driving.  There is NO SONG that you can put on the radio that I wont sing too, even if I never heard it before I will guess what they will say next and generally I’m right, or I’ll just make my own lyrics.  If you know what my voice sounds like, or if you saw the video from my Karaoke experience, you know that my singing voice is like… well… it’s not good.  Maybe if Britney Spears, Norah Jones, and Zooey Deschanel were to mate and make a girl man child thats what I sound like.

By the way.  I think I’m the coolest rapper in town when I’m in the car.  And I’m also Jamaican sometimes.  At one point I was singing Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and I actually started crying.  Yes, I’m serious.

For your viewing pleasure…  Here is a little taste of our roadtrip portrayed by a better looking me.

Anyway, on this vacation I found out that people from other states really hate people from New Jersey.  But no one really knows why.  I asked and got this response, “Uhhhh… your an armpit haha”

I would just like to clear up a couple things about people from New Jersey right now because I’m tired of repeating myself to these people…  Ugh.

1.  NO BODY FROM NEW JERSEY SAYS NEW JOISEY.  -You see I wrote that in caps to make it stick out a little more.

2.  No.  I do not know anyone from the Jersey Shore Cast.  And just because I live at the shore doesn’t mean I live at Seaside.  And my beach isn’t dirty, your face is.

3.  No I don’t have an accent.  Do you watch TV?!  Who do those people sound like?!?!?!  You or me!?

4.  I love this one, “Hey you got some crazy governors huh?!”  Well…  you got me there.  What do you want me to say?!

5.  People from New Jersey are rude.  Do you expect me to be nice to you after you spent the last 15 mins laughing about every NJ stereotype in the book in front of my face?  At least when I make fun of your state I do it behind your back.  That’s polite.

People seriously think that New Jersey is some kind of wasteland where there are more roadways than anything else and people live on top of one another.  Thats fine though, they can think that and stay home because I hate when these idiots come from out of state and drive on our roads.  I have no patience for them driving the speed limit and putting on their blinkers 3 lights before they actually turn.

I’ll admit I’m part of the NJ problem because I can’t even count how many times I’ve screamed out the window, “LEARN WHERE YOUR F-ING GOING OR GO THE F– HOME!  ARGGGHHHHHH!!!!”  and when I see a license plate from out of state I actually expect them to drive like an ass.  By the way, I really do scream the “ARGGGHH!” part.  I think it adds emphasis to my amount of displeasure from their driving.

Power to the Who-Ha!

Beyonce’s song “Run the World” is very inspiring.  I personally love that song and I’ve witnessed grown men singing this song in the car with their windows rolled up.  (Of course they look at you like you just caught them skinning the neighborhood cat when you catch them in the act)  Anyway.  I think that this song may be a little too inspirational for some.  Have you guys seen that new Summer’s Eve commercial??   Although I kind of feel like it’s a little too dramatic…it makes me feel AWESOME.  I think this is probably the first time I can honestly say, that something I saw on TV made me proud of my who-ha.  No offense to those women of the Vagina chronicles or whatever, but vaginas aren’t very pretty to look at, at least it’s better than opposing force.  And normally when people are talking about women parts on TV it doesn’t make you feel good, generally it makes me look down at my chest with a loud and echoing “Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy” …yes, like the Hefty trash bags commercial.  I know I watch a lot of TV.  What do you want from me?!  With the awesome TV shows that were on in the 90′s I would be stupid not to watch TV.  Now…  I’m stupid to watch TV, but old habits die hard.  That’s why I still go up the stairs in my parents house on all fours.

Earthquake shake n bake

If you were lucky like me, yesterday you nearly crapped yourself when you noticed the earth was shaking.  My worst fear is earthquakes.  Well, earthquakes and that death trap people call aircrafts.

So yesterday, I was laying on the couch, chillin, with my black puppy, Emily.  The couch started shaking, but I just ignored it because I thought it was my dog scratching herself.  Then I noticed the couch started shaking a little more violently and I looked over at my awesome protector puppy and noticed she was KO’d.

My first thought was, OMG MY HOUSE IS IN A SINK HOLE!!.   So, I woke the pups up (which sounds a lot easier than it was) and instructed them to run down stairs with me and then outside.  As I was running through the kitchen to go out the back door I noticed my poor innocent fishes in my fish tank were being thrown from one end of the tank to the other.

Just as a side note my fish always die.  The longest I had a fish was about 6 months.  You want to know how he died??  I dropped him when I was attempting to clean the tank.

So of course I keep checking on my fishes to make sure they are all good.  They are OK now, but yesterday they were doing the backstroke around the tank.

Anyway, once I got outside… by the way I was still in my jammies, lets just say its a good thing I’m not well endowed because otherwise this story would be even more embarrassing…  Once I got outside I ran onto the patio with my puppies.  By the time I finally stopped moving the earthquake was just about finished.  As soon as my pups got outside they both laid down in the sun.  I was laying down to, because I was praying to God to not take my house in the sink hole.  After I was done brushing myself off and standing in the middle of my yard clutching onto my dogs and realizing I left the cat inside the house, I ran in real fast to get the phone.  I called my neighbors, no answer, I called my husband, no answer, I called my mom, FINALLY SOMEONE FREAKING ANSWERS!!  Don’t these people know I’m FREAKING OUT.

So, the first thing I ask my mom is, “DID YOU FEEL THAT!????”

Mom: “OMG YOU FELT THAT TOO?!!?”

Me (in my head): Omg.  Thank God is not a sink hole.

My mom proceeded on to tell me about how the files in her office were attacking her.

Then my phone starts beeping for another call.  Of course I think FINALLY Nelson is calling me after seeing his 8 missed calls from me.  Nope.  Not Nelson.  It was my cousin.  She was calling to tell me about how the world is ending.  Thanks to her I threw up and didn’t shower until 10pm.

Then Nelson finally calls,

Me: “BABE!!  DID YOU FEEL THAT!!”

Nelson: “Feel what???  Are you horny??”

Me: “NO!!  THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE!!!”

Nelson: “Seriously, stop F-ing with me, I’m at work.”

Me: “I’M NOT LYING! I’M FREAKING OUT HERE!!!”

He still didn’t believe me after all this, I guess thats what I get for constantly playing the boy who cries wolf, until he saw the news on his laptop.

After all the chaos, and after I put my eye balls back where they belong, I started looking up people’s reactions to the quake.  Here are some of my favorite First Thoughts that I have seen just from different News websites.

“I thought my bedroom was being possessed” – I actually saw this one several times.

“I thought it was the wind” – Are you freaking kidding me?!  If that was the wind that would mean the big bad wolf was totally going to blow          your crap house over.

“I’m from California so I knew it was an earthquake” – Good for you… jackass

” My dog started barking right before it happened!” – My dogs were sleeping.  They were sleeping so heavily that I had to slap their butts to wake them.

“I thought it was the drier.” – What the hell…  I don’t even know what to say about that other than the obvious.

“I thought is was thunder”  -  Do you have windows?

Ugh…  alright I’m getting annoyed.  Enough of that.

One thing I did notice is that most of my facebook friends announced that they were going to have a drink shortly after the earthquake.  It’s things  like that, that make me feel better about myself, along with Hoarders and Teen Mom.

 

In the comments please leave your reactions to the quake…  I promise not to make fun of you.  That was a lie.